So much has happened....
Hello my dahlings! So sorry to have left you hanging for almost a month, but life in Chi-Town has thrown me so many curves over the past 30 days that I'm reeling.
Where to begin? I think I'll start with the worst possible things and work my way back to the everyday aggervations, ok? As you all know we moved back to Chi-Town to be closer to Mr. Man's mother, who was sick. She believed that she had a nasty lung infection that she just couldn't kick, and it had taken alot out of her due to the coughing all night, lack of sleep and no desire to eat. The day after we moved down here she called us at about 9 pm and said she really wasn't feeling well and asked us to take her to the hospital. We ran over to her house, scooped her up and headed for the emergency room, where we spent 8 hours waiting for them to decide to admit her for further tests.
On the 19th of Decemeber she had that bunch of tests, and the doctors advised her that she would need to stay in the hospital "for a while". On the 20th the doctor advised her to have both of her sons come in for a meeting, and broke the news that they had found between 25 and 40 tumors on her liver( Iguess they couldn't be more specific!), 12 masses of tumors on her lungs and one or two on her vocal cords. Biopsy's showed them to be cancer, treatment methods were discussed, chemotherapy was decided on, and a shunt was put in her shoulder. She was then told that she would need to build up a reserve of body fat to face chemotherapy. This I think was an even worse piece of news for Mom than the cancer, as she has been anorexic and buelemic for most of Mr. Man's life, and only weighed about 95 pounds when diagnoised. From the day that she was diagnoised she refused to eat more than a mouthful or two of food at any time, saying that the hospital food was terrible and she just wanted to go home.
The doctors advised her that she was no longer able to live alone, and they would only release her if she went to live with a family member or in a nursing home. After many protestations we convinced her to come live with us at the new apartment, and proceeded to rearrange the furniture to be able to move her bedroom stuff into our second room. On the 5th of January Mom came home to our place, and we were dismayed to find out that it wasn't the hospital food at all, she just wouldn't eat. When we did get her to take a couple of mouthfuls of food, we found her purging to "stay thin". She also asked Mr. Man on numerous occasions to go get her ExLax so she could "clean herself out", which of course he refused to do. This behaviour of course made it impossible for her to fight the cancer, and in the early morning hours on the 8th of January she passed away in our home.
Needless to say, Mr. Man is completely devastated. We spent the past week making the arrangements, attending the funeral and putting up with Mr. Man's horrible family from his father's side, not to mention his tacky sister-in-law and asshole of a brother!
Now at the very same time that Mom was in the hospital, his Dad fell down at the nursing home, and was rushed to the SAME hospital. He was diagnoised with a meningitis induced stroke and was unresponsive for about 4 days before he started to come around. Thankfully he is on the road to a full recovery, and is working with a physical therapist to facilitate that recovery.
What else you ask? Hmm well our move from Wisconsin to Illinois was very taxing as well. On the Wisconsin end it was ok, we managed to have the truck completely loaded in two hours, and the finally cleaning of the house done within another hour. But when we arrived in Illinois we found that ALL of our helpers had abandoned us, and it was just Mr. Man and I to move all of our stuff into the apartment. This was NOT good news, as I have a terrible back, and a weight limit of 10 pounds that I can lift without throwing it out again. So we start fetching things in, and wondering how the hell we're going to get the big stuff off of the truck, when our upstairs neighbor comes out and offers to help! We had only met them once before, and this man bundles up (did I mention that it was only 12 degrees the evening that we moved in?) and helps Mr. Man and my landlord (who is my best friend Girly-Girl and her hubby Dago. They stopped in to see how the move was going) hump all of our stuff in the house! Talk about the kindness of strangers.
Now during all of the medical issues both of his parents were facing, Mr. Man and I were trying to get the house set up and such. Girly-Girl and Dago offered to take $300.00 off our Feburary rent if we painted the apartment for them, and naturally we jumped at that, since we only had my salary from the contracting position from my former company to fianance us until Mr. Man could land something temporary while he waited for the job my brother will be helping him get. We began in the back bedroom, so as to have it ready for his mom if it turned out she would need to move in with us. We completed that room, the kitchen and hallway and got about half of the dining room done. Then one morning we woke up and noticed that the ceiling ABOVE MY COMPUTER had sprung a leak! I made a frantic call to Girly-Girl, who called out their plumber. He came in and ripped out a 4' x 5' section of the dining room ceiling, and replaced a pipe and the trap for the shower in the apartment above us. He then advised that the shower upstairs needed to be redone before our ceiling could be replaced, and worked out a deal with Girly-Girl and Dago to do it as a side job.
Now this was three weeks ago, and I can look up as I sit here writing and see pipes, rafters and the flooring from upstairs! It's been three weeks of being blown off, rescheduled and little to no work done. Every day this guy calls and says that his guys will be out to finish the shower upstairs, and most days we never see anyone. If they do manage to get out here, it's just to take measurements that have been taken four times before, then they jet again saying they need to go buy materials. To say that it's frustrating is an understatement! Not to mention that I had to host the brunch after the funeral with a huge hole in the ceiling... Girly-Girl is livid, but as she gave him a huge deposit and it's a side job, feels that she needs to give the guy some leeway in finishing. I say that she should report the guy to his company for taking side jobs once he's finished the work, as well as deducting at leat $200 to $300 from the agreed upon price for the hassle he has caused!
Now on to the good news! Yes there was just a bit of good news over these past four weeks, and truth be told, I think it's the one thing that has kept Mr. Man holding on during all of this. He and I decided that once we moved back to Illinois we would get a kitten. Girly-Girl and Dago had no objections to this of course, and even told us we could have two cats should we have the mind too. So two weeks ago he and I were at the grocery store and we seen an ad for free kittens. We called the guy up, and the next day went and picked up "our girls"! Gypsy Girl is a 10 week old Calico that is mostly white with beige, brown, grey and black spots. She's the sweetest lil girl you've ever seen, and daddy's baby girl. She's also the kitty that climbed up under the couch one morning and got a hair line fracture when daddy plopped his butt down! Yep her little paw was caught between a spring and a slate, and she had to wear a cast on her left front leg for the past two weeks. She just got it off this morning, and is getting used to the idea that she can use all four legs again. Our other little girl is Cassiopeia, a domestic short hair that is all black, with just the smallest white tuff on her chest, and beautiful green eyes that match her mommy's! She's my lil girl, and a wild child just like me! They have been a blessing because they make Mr. Man laugh several times a day, and give him a way to lessen the grief that he is feeling. Mr. Man and I have decided that for the near future the only pitter-patter of little feet that we need to here is our girls thundering through the house when mommy pulls the bag of food out from under the kitchen sink!
So now my contracted month with my former company is up, and I'm concentrating on my new business venture full time, as well as being the "Domestic Goddess" as I had planned, and starting up as a Karaoke DJ in the next month or so. I can't believe how good it feels to be out of Korporate Amerika! It's all I've done for 18 years, so I was worried that I would have a hard time adjusting. Now I know that there's been so much going on that I really have had time to get into a new groove, but I think once I do I'm REALLY going to enjoy it! And if not, I can always go back.
Mr. Man just started a new job today driving a truck and will be taking his CDL test and putting in his application at the tollway, where my brother will call in some favors to get him an interview (not the job, just the interview! Getting the job falls squarely on Mr. Man's shoulders!), and we're both hoping that life will begin to balance out the turbulance that we have experienced for the last 6 months.
Whew! Wasn't that a mouth full?
The Final Count Down
Hello dahlings! Well here we are, just three days from the big move. Mr. Man and I are living amid and from boxes and suitcases, today's my last day as a full time Korporate Amerika girl, and I'm sitting here at the office, trying not to watch the clock (just two hours to go!).
I have a real big problem with transitions. I hate the "in-between time" where you're moving from one portion of your life to another. If I could have just made the decision to move and done it the very next day, it would have been much easier on me. As it is I've been helping Mr. Man pack up our life into boxes, and becoming more and more unsettled as I try to get through another day.
It's not that I'm having second thoughts about the move, I'm actually getting kind of excited about it. It's just for me the
process of it is so unsettling. I guess if your not that type of person it's hard to understand, and I'm not having much luck in explaining it. Some of you are saying to yourselves right now "Oh girl, I know JUST what you mean" while the ones who would never feel this way are saying "Ahh suck it up you baby! What's the big frickin deal?" (It's ok folks, I understand, no need to blush and look over your shoulder wondering how I could possibly know that!)
But at least we've gotten most everything done already...there will be no "redneck move" going on this time (come on, you know what I mean....drawers pulled out with clothes still in them, closets not yet packed, etc.) everything is in some type of container, and all ready to go. we'll just need to dismantle the computer (gulp! This has me worried...what
WILL I do without a connection to the internet from now until at least the 19th, maybe even the 20th?), un-hook the washer and dryer, and take apart the computer desk. Everything else is all ready to go. (Can I say
ready to go any more in this section? Hmm maybe
I'm the thing that's
NOT ready to go?)
So my dahlings, When I get back on old turf and up and running I'll post a progress report on the moving and the unpacking, as well as my new job; "Domestic Goddess" (sounds better to me than Housewife!)
Till then don't be good!
Chi-Town Princess
Hello dahlings! First let me apologize to everyone for being MIA for so long. My home computer is acting way strange, hence no reliable access from home. And with Christmas things at the office (I'm in online retail sales) are going nutso too, so I haven't had time to breath let alone post until now.
I
have however, had plenty of time to have my life turned upside down. As all of my faithful readers know, Mr. Man and I moved to a beautiful lake house in July, and in September he lost his job. Since then it's been sheer hell on earth for us financially. Well in the past month we've had some wonderful breaks, of sorts.
My older brother (RedNeck One) works for the Illinois Tollway, and has told Mr. Man that there are a couple openings, and since he's in so good with the "people in the know", he could recommend Mr. Man and pretty much assure that he will get a great paying job with wonderful benefits. This means that I wouldn't have to work anymore unless I wanted to.
(Although I'll probably jump right into something small, part time and work at home, just to start to clear up the money mess that we've dug ourselves into over the past 6 months!)Then, my best friend Girly-Girl and her hubby Dago have an open apartment in their three flat building located just three blocks from Mr. Man's mum. I bet you can guess where all of this is going, right?
Yep, The Wisconsin Princess, the girl that said over and over that she would never move back to Illinois
(should have never temped fate that way I know) is doing just that on the 17th of this month. No longer will I be Sexy in Milwaukee, Or Sexy by the Lake
...(I'm thinking maybe The Chi-Town Princess, hence the name of this post. Comments? Suggestions?)Of course, with my dislike of change this isn't going over well internally. The house is in complete disarray as we pack up all the stuff that we just unpacked in July and August
(Have I mentioned before that I HATE moving?). I'm discontinuing utilities that I just started, and starting them with new companies down in Chi-Town. And I had to make a deal with our landlord to let us out of our lease before July of 2006. Ugh. They were great about it, but it's just the type of thing I hate doing the most.
All of the wheeling and dealing I've been doing over the past months is just the same as I had to do as a child and a teenager for my mom when things were so bad for us. My dad had bailed on Child Support, and mom was working over a 100 hours a week to try and make ends meet. So I spent quite a bit of time calling utilities and making payment arangements for her to keep the lights and heat on.
Of course, all of our friends and family are just over the moon that we're "coming home" and everyone is telling me that "it must be fate" and "whatever you needed to do in Wisconsin must be done" and all that, but to me it just seems like three giant steps backwards.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to Girly-Girl and Dago. They are giving us a fantastic deal on a lovely two bedroom garden apartment, waiving half a months rent, and assuming the responsibility for a debt that her little brother has owed me for three years now in lue of a security deposit. And they're very grateful that Mr. Man has agreed to be the building manager, and take care of lawn and snow so Dago doesn't have to drive 45 minutes one way twice a week to do so. They've agreed to let us get a kitten as well, and of course haven't asked for an extra security deposit for the animal.
I'm also grateful to The RedNeck One for putting his professional rep on the line to recommend Mr. Man for a job, something he's
NEVER done for anyone else. He'll be calling in a lot of favors to recommend my honey, which could leave him short if he ever needed to bank on them for himself.
I'm glad that Mr. Man is insisting that I can take some time off from the work force and play housewife. I'm not sure that it's the thing for me, however I've been working for 20 years now, and knowing that my man doesn't have a problem being the major earner in our family is such a refreshing change from all of my other relationships.
And maybe leaving corporate america isn't the worst thing....because I've been kicking around a couple at home business ventures for a couple of years now, but could never see the way to do it and still live while they take off. I've also wanted to settle in and write, but the work-a-day world is a major brain drain for me, and I haven't been able to keep my creativity fed while being a cube drone.
So dahlings, I may be a bit sporatic while the move is in progress, and I wrap up my last couple of weeks at my job, and get my puter at home up to snuff
(man I'm going to miss this expensive, lighting fast laptop!), but have no fear, Sexy in Milwaukee may be changing, but I'll be back full force soon!
(Of course I will, because one can only cook and clean for so many hours a day! Yeah I'm thinking that this housewife stuff may get to me sooner than I think!)Mr. Man told me last night in bed that I never smile anymore. NOT a good thing to hear about yourself! So I'm trying to embrace this move as not only the best thing for us, but the best thing for
ME. Maybe we can get back to living instead of just existing.
So when next I post, look for a name change at least, and maybe even a return to that quick witted, fun loving gal I use to be! At least that's what I'm hoping for.....
Biggest Loser....
Well dahlings, inspite of the votes I know I received, Sexy In Milwaukee didn't cut the mustard and another blog won the MKE Blog of the Week:
blog of the week winner
Round 26:Name-calling. Attempted bribery. Heated exchanges in the comment sections. With all precincts reporting and numbers rounded up to the nearest precentage point, the winner of this week's contest is...
HaverchukTo say that this was a blow to my ego is an understatement! I bummed around the house all night last night, snapping at Mr. Man and feeling sorry for myself. My inner artist (who, by the way, is only about 6 years old) kept kicking and screaming "It's not FAIR! I should have won!!!"
But my poor little artist will recover, and I'll keep on writing. Mostly because I can't do anything else.
So Congrats to Haverchuk, good job!
Shameless Begging...
Ok dahlings, with just about 10 hours to go, and no clue where I'm at vote wise, I thought I should jump on here and do a bit more shameless begging for votes. As you read in my last post, This Blog is up for MKE Blog of the Week in the Milwaukee JS Online (our local newspaper). Voting closes tonight at 11:59 pm and the winner will be announced by 5:00 pm Thursday (all times are CST of course).
So in hopes of having a feather to put in my writers cap, I'm here posting about the contest and beg, beg, begging all my wonderful and faithful readers who haven't stopped in there yet to visit the
MKE Blog of the Week web site and drop a vote! There are four other very good blogs on there as well, but of course I'm hoping that everyone will like mine best!
So visit the Milwaukee JS Online, and vote!
(Said in an "Elvis" voice)
Thank you, Thank you very much!
Ying and Yang - The Dark and the Light
Hello dahlings...So here we are, a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun is shining, and Mr. Man is out raking and burning leaves in the yard; a couple of strategicly opened windows brings the smell to me. It invokes memories of the big back yard behind the house I grew up in, my mother in the kitchen cooking up a week's worth of dinners that she will freeze for us, and my little brother and I all bundled up in our fall coats jumping in big piles of crisp fall leaves. The feeling of safety, and knowing that "me mum" can kiss away any hurt that may befall us.
I sit in my home office, catching up on e-mails while I do the laundry. It's been a very hard couple of days out on the lake, on Thursday the miscarriage began.
The Ying:
Thursday morning I awoke to cramps harsher than those over the last two weeks, and a bit of spotting. Naively I thought that since it had begun it would build momentum, and called my boss to tell her I might not be in that day. After about an hour it became clear that it was not progressing, so I readied myself, and drove into the office to hover in discomfort for my eight hour shift.
When I got home that evening, Mr. Man was preparing to head up to the Fire Department for Thursday evening drills. He was reluctant to leave me home alone, however not knowing when it would begin I told him it would be silly for him to hover, and to go on and play fireman as I knew he so desperately wanted to.
Amid cramps that were gaining instensity I had dinner and spent some time with my favorite author; Stephen King. Losing myself in
Black House really helped. I bet Mr. King will never know how much!
By the time Mr. Man returned from drill, the cramps had amped up enough that I was in bed with my heating pad, writhing and wishing that my mother still graced this earth, longing for that kiss that made even the worst of the hurts vanish, and the strength that she way always known for to lean upon. I know that she WAS with me in this trying time, however feeling her cool hand on my brow would have given me the courage to face that which I knew I must.
Physical pain there was in abundance, however what shocked me was the emotional pain. What was this? Mr. Man and I had DONE our grieving and said good-bye to what wasn't to be. So why was it backing up on me? Why was I lying in my bed, tears streaming down my face as my treacherous body pushed out the child that it could not nurture? The pain came in ever strengthening waves, causing me to pant through my tears, and Mr. Man and the Twerp became more and more insistance that I take a ride to the ER for medical treatment. Knowing that the physical pain that I was feeling was par for the course, and this is what I had signed up for when I decided to miscarry naturally, I shut down the notion of a trip to the hospital quickly, and tried to explain that it really wasn't the pain that was making me cry...at least not the physical pain. As men are known to do, the Twerp high tailed it out of the room as the tears began to fall in earnest, and Mr. Man climbed into bed with me. Reaching out to hold me he says; "I know princess, I know. Let it out now, it's ok to cry."
The tenderness in his touch as he stroked my hair and patted my back was my undoing. Uncontrollable sobs welled up and ripped my throat raw as I tried to explain. "I feel like I've let you down. This is because of me, my body is the reason why our baby never had a chance. I've done this to us, I've caused all this pain for us." The pain from the cramps was completely hidden by the wave of emotion that washed over me as I lanced the infection hidden deep within me. An infection that I had no clue was even building.
Mr. Man continued to stroke my hair as he said "Of course this isn't your fault baby! It just wasn't our time yet. One day, it will be our time and then nothing will be able to stop Morganana or Wade from making their appearance in this world. Until then, let's just concentrate on getting you well again." We lay that way for over an hour, me crying in a manner that just 6 months ago I would have never let myself, him holding me and giving me more than just comfort; in those moments he gave me hope and opened my eyes. He gave me hope that we will again be blessed. And he opened my eyes to what I have right in front of me. This man, this wonderful, caring, loving man isn't one to run. He's someone who will stick, no matter how bad things may get.
A little over a year ago I went through this same thing. I had a Blighted Ovum Miscarriage. However last year was so different; the pregnancy was the result of a condom breaking on a one night stand. And while my little brother and sister in law tried in their own way to be there for me, I pretty much had only myself to lean on. A quick embarrassed condolence from my little brother, a ride to and from the hospital for the D & C, and a run to get my meds as well as some foods that didn't require a lot of preperation from my sister in law was about all the support I got from those closest to me physically. Of course other members of my family and all of my friends did give me emotional support as well, but there's only so much one can do for someone who doesn't...no CAN'T ask for more. That time I didn't have anyone who I felt comfortable enough with to let down all my defenses and hurt.
But with Mr. Man I could, and did. And in doing so I think I've finally convinced my head and heart that I can continue to do so. I can't begin to explain it to you dahlings, but let it suffice to say that this girl by the lake has had her eyes opened, and for the first time in her life truly understands...
The Yang:
As all of you that actually check in and read my posts know I was recently spouting off about
Balance, and then refuting everything I talked about
here when things didn't turn out the way that I hoped they would. Well I guess I'm back to the belief that for everything negative that you are handed in this life, something positive your way must come. Besides the deeper feelings of love and safety that I now feel in my relationship with Mr. Man, I've had another boon. I was recently advised that Sexy In Milwaukee was nominated for Blog of the Week in one of Milwaukee's newspapers! My thanks goes out to whomever nominated me, I'd love to thank you personally, so how about dropping me a line or leaving a comment!
For all of you who'd like to vote, you can find the web site
here. Voting is closed on 11/2 at 11:59 pm, and the winner will be announced on 11/3 by 5 pm CST. Read the others too, as there are some really talented people nominated, and vote for the one you like best!
This development, along with a tarot card reading I just did for myself has really encouraged me to get back to my writing again. So with that dahlings, I'm off to my Word program to dust off a short story that I'm hoping has the guts to develope into a novel...
Until next time, stay fabulous my dahlings!
This, That and The Other...
Just some interesting things I found lately...
The What Kind of Girl Are You? quiz
I'm
The Progressive Girl:Moderation in all things, excess in nothing. -- EpicurusImagine that the Girl Next Door moved to the big city. Think of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. She's America's sweetheart with an urban sensibility. She's a post-Christian spiritualist, a pre-Monica Clintonite, and a dues-paying member of at least one social-change organization like NOW, Planned Parenthood, or the Sierra Club. You won't find her at an Earth First or PETA meeting, though. Those are the Granola Girl's stomping grounds.
Progressive Girls want the world to be a better place, but they live out their politics in a moderate, left-of-center way. If you are going to date a Progressive Girl, the one sin you can commit is to be a chameleon. Molding your opinions to fit hers will lose her respect. One very positive thing you can do is offer her new experiences -- the Progressive Girl is fearless about trying new things. Whether it's pluralism, skydiving, Asian peanut sauce, or this book, the Progressive Girl is always looking for new ideas.
She Might Be a Progressive Girl if:
She drives: a small SUV but really wishes it got better mileage; once she can get a good hybrid, she will.
She can talk for more than ten minutes about: just about anything.
She begins her sentences with: "Susan Sarandon says..."
She'd never: pass up the chance for a new experience.
She owns any of the following: a water filter, a tabletop fountain, an acre of rain forest, a mutt from the pound.
Hmm, I can see some of these things in me, but I've NEVER quoted Susan Sarandon!
Now this is a bit more like me:
Remember: The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in the order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards <
.">http://www.beliefnet.com/boards/discussion_list.asp?boardID=15317>.Rankings:
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8058_1.html2. Mahayana Buddhism (87%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8045_1.html3. New Age (84%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8055_1.html4. Unitarian Universalism (80%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8041_1.html5. Jainism (79%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8048_1.html6. Hinduism (76%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8047_1.html7. Sikhism (71%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8049_1.html8. Reform Judaism (69%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8054_1.html9. Theravada Buddhism (68%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8042_1.html10. Liberal Quakers (67%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8038_1.html11. New Thought (58%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8056_1.html12. Scientology (58%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8057_1.html13. Bahб'н Faith (52%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8051_1.html14. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (50%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8028_1.html15. Taoism (50%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8059_1.html16. Orthodox Judaism (49%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8053_1.html17. Secular Humanism (46%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8040_1.html18. Islam (40%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8052_1.html19. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (40%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8039_1.html20. Orthodox Quaker (39%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8037_1.html21. Nontheist (24%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8027_1.html22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (21%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8035_1.html23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (21%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8029_1.html24. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8036_1.html25. Jehovah's Witness (12%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8034_1.html26. Eastern Orthodox (11%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8033_1.html27. Roman Catholic (11%)
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8030_1.htmlJust a couple of fun things I found to try and elevate my mood a bit. Mr. Man is off playing fireman tonight...he's applying for the volunteer fire department here in the town on the lake, and has his first drill tonight. So I have some lovely "Me" time...and I think I'm going to use it by playing Roller Coaster Tycoon!
Ta Ta Dahlings!
Why Not Just Kick Me In The Head?
Hello Dahlings...you know I must have pissed of the fate fairies with my post the other day about
Balance, because every since then fate has been squatting over me to take a great big crap on my head.
Yesterday I found out (through I'll admit, slightly dishonest means: I checked his e-mail account.) that Mr. Man had subscribed to two different porn sites online. I can't even begin to describe the hurt and sense of betrayal that I felt when I found the subscription notifications. Some of it was that he's been lying to me about what he's surfing, and some of it was due to my own body issues. He's checking out teen dorm sites, and all of these plastic perfect looking women, basicly slim to skinny little chicks, which I'm not and never will be.
Now because of the problems that I'm going through with the non-baby, our sex life has been majorly curtailed. The doc restricted us from penetration about a month ago, but I've been a good fiancee and tried to make sure he had some type of relief every third day or so by performing oral sex on him. And on Monday the doc released us from that, telling me that we should "live it up" on un-protected sex, since once I miscarry we'll have to be super careful for the next 4-6 months. So Monday night after drinking most of the wine we had in the house, I initiated some porno grade sex with my honey, and he went on for two days about how good it was, and how hot it was, and how I made him feel!
And two days later I find these subscription verifications in his e-mail in box! Now I'm nothing of a prude, and if he would have come to me and asked me if I'd be interested in watching something hot to spice things up in the bedroom, I would have been all for it. But instead he waits until I go to work, and goes on line surfing for porn. And one of the things that bothers me the most about it is that it must have been happening for at least a month, or maybe 6 weeks, because we've been having trouble with the computer at home, and every clean up I do on it I've found all these spyware stuff on it from sex sites, and history on the computer of where these sex sites were visited, and he LIED to me and said it must have been The Twerp that's been looking all this stuff up!
Needless to say things were hell at the house on the lake yesterday evening, and still quite tense this morning as well. He told me last night that he doesn't understand why I'm so upset, or why I feel cheated on and bretrayed. Am I over reacting here folks?
Added to the issue is the fact that I've begun to have low grade but persistent cramps pretty much all the time, but haven't yet lost my muscus plug for the miscarriage to begin. And our financial picture isn't getting any better either. We're so broke it's not even funny, have had harassing calls from the cable and phone companies threating to shut us off, and I'm kicking myself for agreeing to move onto the lake at all.
My advice is never say anything about being satisfied with any portion of your life, because it's bound to come bite you in the ass!
